when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
