You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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