even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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