Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
