i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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