she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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