man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
