He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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