What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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