I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
