You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
