My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
