I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
