Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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