im drinking this country out of the recession.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
