did you get engaged???
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
