I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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