It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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