Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
