Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
