I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
