My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
just come out here and I will go home with you...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
