Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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