I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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