well I can't set my house on fire every night
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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