I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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