hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Randomize
