i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
