"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
