I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
