there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
