just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
