I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
