All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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