I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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