I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
