The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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