i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
