Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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