There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
