I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dicks are not precious.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
