Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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