really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
