dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
