I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
