i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize