when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
