i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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