fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
