Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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