i don't really know how much tequila is too much
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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