In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
