So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
