Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
